Aww, man...

My life is pretty much wrecked right now. Rundown of important things that have happened since last entry:

1. I finally resigned from Burger King
2. I went back to Influent
3a. I tried a prescription antidepressant
3b. Said antidepressant made things MUCH worse, to the point where I was hurting myself at work again.
3c. Said behavior got me fired from Influent.
4. I have since had no luck finding a job.
5. I am completely out of hope.

I know I've said it before, but anyone out there who prays, I really need it.

Ever felt that you paid too high a price for something? I feel like that with a lot of things about my life right now. For example...

1. At the moment, I'm getting counseling for my anger issues. The price I paid to finally realize I needed help was hurting my best friend rather badly. (His wife also hates me now.)

2. At work, the only way I can really manage not to be psychotic (see previous entry) is to be depressed while I'm there.

Neither of those prices were/are worth the results.

Also, meme.

Post a comment, and I will...
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favourite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

I swear, working at Burger King is making me bipolar. During a rush, I'll run around like a chicken with its' head cut off trying to get everything done for whatever board I happen to be running (drawing daily complaints from my boss, plus the occasional threat of being fired), and when we're not, I'll still do it but far, FAR more calmly. It's really fucking bizzare, and more than that, it's irritating, because the insanity I display during rushes is (as far as I know) the ONLY reason I'm still getting less than 20 hours a week.

Also, Christmas haul:

$125
Robert Asprin's Myth-Adventures Volume 1 omnibus (Books 1-6)
A self-help book for dealing with Asperger's Syndrome (Oh, BTW, I have Asperger's Syndrome.)
A brown shirt decal'd with a guy wearing an iPod, captioned "I-Tune you out."
A pair of work pants
Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Eve and Other Stories CD

Also also, I'll be at Ohayocon 8 this weekend, all three days.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna make at LEAST one non-meme post a week.

Since last time:, I've started working at Burger King in Findlay. I'm lucky to get 15 hours any given week. :(

Unfortunately, I'm also cutting myself worse than ever because lunch rushes are really fucking stressful, and I'm way too hard on myself. I'm always concerned with what should or shouldn't be happening instead of what did or did not actually happen.

Well, things may or may not be looking up.

1. Mom and Gary are willing to cover my insurance and my car payment for a while.
2. I may have a job at the Burger King in Findlay; they said they would call me for their next orientation, but that was a week ago and I've not heard from them, so I'm getting dubious; last time I heard that (Pinnacle Plastics in Bowling Green, a few weeks ago), I did the orientation and was then told they didn't want me.
3. I interviewed at the west Findlay Wal-Mart for a position at their deli. I will be callbacking this on Saturday.

In other news: After sixteen months (!?!?) of delaying for whatever reason, I marathoned the remainder of Mai-Otome today (from episode 19 on.) A good end to the series, IMO, though I'd've have liked to know how Nina survived.

Now I just have to work on clearing the metric assload of backlog I've amassed. Probably going to start with Uta~Kata, as I did start watching it but stalled it.

Also, Angie Grace Bocian has died at 78. Is it bad that I only know my grandmother's middle name from her obituary?

I'm so fucking screwed.

Let me run down what's happened since my last entry.

Week of June 18th: Nothing of much note. Helped Mark out that weekend.

June 25th: I got fired. Odds are very good I'm going to have to pay Influent back all the fees they covered relating to my insurance licenses (the classes, getting me appointed with the companies we work(ed) with, etc., this will likely be over $6000). Get home from work, find out Grandma Bocian has been off her feeding tube since almost RIGHT after I saw her on the 17th.

June 26th to July 7: Stayed with my uncle John at Grandma's house in Parma, visiting her daily at the nursing home. Saw Dad, who claims that he's not actually in trouble. Helped my brother move out of his place because his roommate is a jackass.

July 7 to now: Helped Mark move into a new place. Looking frantically for a job and apartment. No luck thus far.

If anyone out there is into praying, I need it. I have maybe two weeks to find a job and start working my ass off before I start falling behind on my payments, and that will be a disaster.

I was wearing: Shorts, red t-shirt, silver/gray laser pistol, yellow/black backpack

I woke up around 9, helped tidy the room up, then packed my stuff and hauled it out to my car. I hit the Dealers' Room again, this time purchasing both seasons of Magic Knight Rayearth. I hung out in the Game Room until around 2, when Random Battle Group finally started up. Did a few rounds of that, and left.

After the con, I went to Parma to see my uncle John. We chatted for a while, then I followed him out to Middleberg Heights to see his mom, my grandmother, at a nursing home. (Only technically was this Middleberg Heights; half the complex was past the "Welcome to Berea" sign right outside my old middle school). She's trached and on a ventilator, but she's also one of the strongest-willed people I know. I believe she can get well enough to go home. And she's just the same as ever, always concerned with how I'm doing and what I'm doing.

Once John and I finished up (we were there about a half hour), we went to the Mr. Hero's in Berea and had a nice meal thanks to some coupons he had. We chatted a lot about how he's doing and about his brother (my dad) whom I've been furious with for a while, first because he blames John for Grandma's problems, now because he's in trouble with the law AGAIN.

After we were finished, I headed right out to Bowling Green, stayed the night with Mark, gave him some help organizing things today, and now here I am.

I was wearing: Jeans, blue t-shirt, black/yellow backpack.

I woke up sometime around 9 (didn't sleep well, it was fucking COLD in there), got showered, and left the room around 10. Finally found Jesse (on the elevator ride down), and got to meet his girlfriend Miriam. Went to Wendy's for breakfast.

After returning from breakfast, I hit the Dealer's Room and purchased the complete series of Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi and Area 88, and a keychain from NeonDragon, who I found out (upon wondering aloud why I ALWAYS see her at conventions) lives in North Olmstead. I also met up (and hung out) with John from Bowling Green.

I spent a decent chunk of time in the game room playing IIDX and/or Pop'n. I also went to the PG-13 version of "Whose Line Is It Anime?" Was a lot of laughs, as always. Talked to Kyo briefly.

After this, I went back to the room and hung out for a while. We started watching Shaun of the Dead, but abandoned that line of inquiry to go get food. We ended up having Mexican, where Andy impressed me (and pissed Blake off) by ordering in Spanish.

When we got back, I went to one of the video rooms to see Romeo x Juliet, which for some reason was not on. Rather, it was Hayate no Gotoku! (Or Hayate the Combat Butler, whichever you prefer.) I popped back and forth between that and the game room (which was right next door) a few times, eventually settling on watching Hayate, which turned out to be fucking hilarious.

I sat in on Kyo's next two panels, "Fullmetal Alchemist - A Different Take" (he tried (and succeeded IMO) in proving that FMA is full of Nazi parallels, and that Japan has no culture of its' own anymore) and "Kyo's Eye For The Otaku Guy," which was quite informative.

Immediately following those was the uncensored "Whose Line Is It Anime?" (And Kyo's fifth panel which broke fire safety code, not sure if that's a record for him, I think so), and that was the highlight of the con. Incredibly irreverent, politically incorrect, and fucking funny. I got to play a co-anchor with Tourette's during Weird Newscasters.

The panel following Whose Line? was cancelled, so we should have had about an extra hour. Unfortunately, that whole section of con (game room, panel rooms, screening rooms) got shut down early. If I heard correctly, it had to do with underage con-goers getting into the hentai panel.

Jesse, Miriam and I ended up doing an hour-long search for a Taco Bell (ended in success), then when we got back, I went up to the room, spent a couple hours chatting it up with Tim, Andy, and two of Andy's friends whose names elude me right now, after which we all went to bed.

I was wearing: Witch Hunter Robin T-Shirt, shorts, silver-gray laser pistol, black/yellow backpack.

I got the Independence Holiday Inn around 1pm (following a late start to my day). I picked up a badge, checked out the game room and some screening rooms, and wandered around a while looking for my cousins Tim and Andy, whom I typically attend cons with. Eventually, Andy's friend Blake (whom I roomed with at Ohayocon 6) noticed me, and pointed me to the room they (and he) were staying in. I ended up getting to the elevators just in time to see them getting off to come look for me.

We went up to the room and hung out for a while, watched a few DVDs. We also sat through the orientation for the Random Battle Group's LAG (Live-Action Gaming) event, which did a very poor job of holding my interest. Next time, I'll arrange to have a partner in advance, that'll probably help. Following that, I spent some time in the game room playing Pop'N Music and Beatmania IIDX. I also spent a lot of time looking for my friend Jesse.

The last thing I did that day was "Kyo Rants" by Kyo, whom I met via Random Battle Group and Whose Line Is It Anime? at Ohayocon. That panel got moved twice; first, to a cul-de-sac outside the hotel because the panel room it was in was too small, then to a grassy knoll outside an auxilary parking lot because we were being too loud.

Lots of updates.

1. Failed my certification test the first time, passed it two weeks after that.
2. Been helping Mark out a lot.
3. Went to ColossalCon in Independence. Con report next post.

In two and a half hours, I will be taking my property/casualty insurance certification test. I'm a lot more worried about this one, for two reasons. One, I didn't study enough because I'm lazy. Two, our instructor was terrible.

Wish me luck.

1. Who was your best friend?
Didn't have any.

2.What sports did you play?
I didn't.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
I didn't get my license till after I graduated.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?
Home.

5. Were you a party animal?
Nope.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Nope.

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
I stopped after 7th grade.

8. Were you a nerd?
Very much so. Social outcast as well.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?
No.

10. Can you sing the fight song?
I think so.

11. Who were your favorite teachers?
Mr. Draves and Ms. Kawecki (sp?)

12. Where did you sit during lunch?
In the cafeteria.

13.What was your school's full name?
Berea High School

14. School mascot?
???

15. Did you go to Prom?
No. Did the after-party though.

16. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
No. All the problems I had stemmed directly from middle school, so redoing just high school would not help anything.

17. What do you remember most about graduation?
Nothing much.

18. What was your fav. class?
Speech & Debate or Networking

19. Where were you on senior skip day?
At school.

20. Did you have a job your senior year?
Nope.

21. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Just the cafeteria. I rarely ate because it was at 10:40AM.

22. Have you gained weight since then?
A lot.

23. What did you do after graduation?
Not a damn thing.

24. When did you graduate?
2002

25. Who was your Senior prom date?
I didn't go. There was a girl named Beth I wanted to ask, though.

26. Are you going to your 10 year reunion?
Perhaps.

27. Who was your home room teacher?
We didn't have set homerooms.

28. Who will repost this after you?
Don't know, don't care.

I hate being sick. Sore thorat, congestion, excessive tiredness, etc. No fever, though.

Also: Work seems to be getting better. I will continue to see what happens when I don't down a 2-liter worth of caffeine in a day.

1. Where is your cell phone?
I don't have one.

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Not seeing anyone.

3. Your hair?
Pretty short, I can't really whip it around by shaking my head.

4. Your mother?
Terrific person.

5. Your father?
I want nothing to do with him for a long time. Too complicated to explain here.

6. Your favorite thing?
Books

7. Your dream last night?
Fucking strange. Something to do with boot camp, and everything going bugfuck retarded.

8. Your favorite drink?
Don't do alcohol.

9. Your dream car?
Don't care about cars that much, but probably a Subaru Impreza WRX if I had to pick one.

10. The room you're in?
My bedroom

11. Favorite Food?
Pizza, block ramen with crunchy noodles

12. Your fears?
Letting people down

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Dunno.

14. Who did you hang out with last night?
Nobody. I work till 11, then come home and crash.

15. Muffins?
Sure. Chocolate.

16. Favorite Place?
Bowling Green, OH

17. One of your wish list items?
A playset of Simic Sky Swallower for my new MTG deck.

18. Where you grew up?
Columbia Station, OH and then Berea, OH

19. The last thing you did?
Drove home from work

20. What are you wearing?
Bluejeans, dark blue shirt, my glasses

21. Your TV?
Don't really have one, still live with mom and my stepdad.

22. Your pet?
Carlos, a cat.

23. Your computer?
Laptop, XP Home

24. Your life?
Work, read, watch TV, games.

25. Your mood?
Frustrated. Another "Hell Day"™ at work.

26. Missing?
Nothing I can think of.

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Wondering why I have so much trouble with motivation.

28. Your car?
2001 Ford Taurus

29. Your work?
Insurance agent, telemarketing

30. Your summers?
Last summer, trip to New Orleans, then work.

31. Your relationship status?
Nothing.

32. Your favorite color?
Sky blue

33. When is the last time you laughed?
A half hour ago or so.

34. Last time you cried?
Way too long ago.

35. School?
Associate's Degree.

OK, week's worth of updates.

1. Passed my cetification exam with an 82% (Last Friday).
2. Finally got a new dance pad. (Monday)
3. Helped Mark move some more machines. (Also Monday)
4. Went to Columbus for a DDR tournament at Magic Mountain East (Today). Did terrible (by comparison; for me, wasn't bad), and I enjoyed the hell out of freestyling Ever Snow Light Double, and finally getting to play DDR Supernova. (Note to self: Wear pants or get pads when doing kneedrops.) Also, got to see Dobbles, Laura, Steve, and Todd, as well as Jackie and Richie. Fun times all around.

In nine hours, I will be taking my certification test for my life and health insurance license. Wish me luck.

Did my first major DCI event today, a sealed-deck Two-Headed Giant tournament, partnering with my friend Mark's son, Mark Jr.

Didn't go very well, unfortunately; we lost our first three rounds, our opponents never showed for the fourth (which was technically a win for us, but I don't consider a forefit to be a victory), and we dropped out after that, having been knocked out of the running for the finals after our second loss. Those first two rounds were really close, though, so I'm happy about that.

Also overhauled my Izzet and discard decks. I'll playtest them on Monday with Mark, after we get his Tekken 5 and (probably) Capcom VS. SNK 2 moved to the Owens Community College student union.

It is mid-February. It is raining. I cannot be the only person who thinks there's something wrong here. (And no, I don't buy into that "global warming" bullshit.)

(Also, I got a new car. Runs like a dream.)

We have a new "auto-roll" program at work for the inbound campaigns. To summarize: if there are people in queue in one of them (there are three), it will automatically roll someone in another campaign who's waiting, to take the call.

This involves me doing a lot more with the DirectAlert and PurchaseShield campaigns than I would like; DirectAlert, because I am convinced (and have been from Day 1) that selling it on its' own is a bad idea, and because as a result I suck at it; PurchaseShield, because I barely remember how to do it. Plus, I found out today I'm on a final warning for a lot more things than I thought I was, or was even TOLD I was.

As a result, I'm stressing out worse than ever. It's so bad that the only way I can keep from screaming or attacking my workstation (either of which would get me fired) is to hurt myself. Right now, I have seventeen very long cuts on my right forearm and another seven on my left forearm, a few of which actually drew blood.

If you know me IRL, you probably know this is nothing new. But it's never been this bad before...I'm even scaring myself.

I want to cry, but I can never make the tears come. I want do something to stop this, but what?

(Addition: My car is giving me the finger. It randomly stalls out around every four or five miles, and will start again if allowed to sit for ten minutes or so. Fuck that, I'm getting a new one.)

(Comments screened for this one)

So You Think You Know Me...
(2 Points) My name:
(4 Points) My last name:
(4 Points) Who am I in love with:
(1 Points) Where did we meet:
(6 Points) Take a stab at my middle name:
(1 Points) Where do I work:
(3 Points) What am I afraid of:
(2 Points) Do I smoke:
(3 Points) Do I drink:
(3 points) Do you think I'm a virgin:
(1 Point) Do I have any siblings:
(2 Points) How many?
(2 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do:
(1 Points) How many piercings do I have:
(4 Points) How many tattoos do I have:
(3 Points) What's my favorite type of music:
(4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing:
(3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
(25 Points) What's my favorite color:
(3 Points) Name something I hate:
(4 Points) Name a talent I have:
(4 Points) What's my phone number:
(4 Points) What kind of sneakers do I wear:
(4 Points) Do I have any pets:
(2 Points) Who am I dating/liking right now:
(5 Points) How long have I been dating/liking them:
(5 points) How tall am I?
(5 Points) What is my worst habit:
(3 Points) What is my insecurity?:
(5 Points on creativeness) If I were stranded on a desert island,
what would I bring:

I'LL SEND YOU YOUR SCORE WHEN I GRADE IT
85-above; Best Friend
80-85 Points; Great Friend
70-79 Points; Good Friend
40-69 Points; Friend
20-39 Points; You should hang out with me more! Ask me when
00-19 Points; Either you're a crappy friend or you're a new friend